CANCER DESCENT

By Tom Gospodnetich

I, in my free fall descent,
Like a soul in THE INFERNO,
Into Dante's lower circles fell,
A victim of my personal Hell.

Cancer, my enemy and my foe,
You tried to bring me so low;
But I can prevail, this I know,
My inner warrior told me so.

We must fight the good fight,
We can live each day in the light,
Forcing our tormentor into flight,
By releasing our power and might.

This painting depicts the lost and forlorn feelings I had when I got advanced uterine cancer. I was literally bleeding to death and was in great pain. Actually I had been caught in an endless web of hopelessness and despair before I got the cancer - just like many cancer patients, so when I was fully diagnosed with the bleak prognosos, I naturally wanted to die - like many cancer patients. It's no wonder that so few of us survive. Most of us really don't want to live. The prospects of living with myself were too painful to live with, so I descended into the worst despair I had known. I planned my suicide, even though I told loved ones, family, friends, and doctors I would fight the disease. The truth was, I had no intention of fighting it. I hated myself. I was a failure as an artist and everything I did, and now I had the answer to my self destructive desires. It was at this point that no one could reach me or save me no matter how hard they tried. I was all alone and descending into the darkness of death. But somewhere in between surguries and chemo and radiation treatments a very distant voice within me said it's okay to live and to be anything. I didn't have to be a successful person or artist to be a happy or fulfilled person. That was my turning point. This thought freed me from my expectations of myself, and that's when I chose to live and triumph over the disease I created.